Photos from 2019 are very triggering for me.
I was at my smallest, and I got comments on my body ALL THE TIME.
"You look so good!"
"How much weight did you lose?"
"How did you do it?"
"You're so tiny."
"You wouldn't get it, you're naturally thin."
Well, this was far from "natural." I found some emails to my naturopath at the time. I originally sought her out, because I never got my period back after going off birth control over a year prior. She told me I was working out too much and asked me if I was eating enough.
I wanted to tell her to f*ck off. I didn't plan to lighten my exercise routine. I was a coach, and was having fun jumping into all the classes at work. I also thought I was "eating enough," and that I knew nutrition because I was in nutrition school.
I legit thought I was being healthy.
I "looked healthy," right? I was also "eating healthy." So I didn't plan on straying away from veganism or lowering my CrossFit classes/week.
Well, after a few months of working with her, I decided to SLOWLY make some changes. I started taking supplements, seed cycling, introducing new things into my diet, and swapping CrossFit classes out for strength classes.
At this point, I was finally sleeping through the night, but there was still a lot of ruckus going on inside.
Here's the results from a urine test she had me take at this point.
You can see here that I was 23, hadn't had a period for close to 1.5 years, and that my estrogen and progesterone were way lower than they should have been. The only thing that was within range was testosterone, which makes sense, because I was working out so much.
No wonder I didn't have a period and had no sex drive. I had f*ck all for sex hormones.
Now, take a look at this one.
The red line should follow the mountain showed in grey. Instead, it stayed flat as hell. Cortisol is the "stress hormone," but it is completely essential. Your body should increase the amount of cortisol in the morning to get you up and going, and it should wind down at night to help you sleep. Instead, it stayed super flat throughout the day. That's a sign that my body was TIREEEEED of my bullsh*t, haha.
No wonder I relied on 3 coffees a day. No wonder I could barely hold a conversation without zoning out. YIKES!!!
So, while I can look back on this photo and think, "I looked good," I need to remind myself of the absolute shit-show that was happening on the inside.
You know what's healthy?
Having a regular menstrual cycle, sleeping through the night, enjoying the energy from 1 coffee/day, having confidence, taking rest days, enjoying movement vs. forcing it all the time, going out with friends without guilt.
I'd take the 2022 version of me any day. I can send love to the 2019 version of me though, because she gave me many lessons.
These lessons have allowed me to be the best version of me I have ever been. These lessons make me the practitioner I am today.
These lessons help me understand my clients. I see you.
If this resonates with you, please send me a message or check out how I can help you here.