[Welcome inside my journal. Here's my stream of consciousness.]
Two weeks ago, a woman [read: witchy queen] in a crystal shop told me that she sensed I was afraid of success.
She told me that I didn't follow-through with things because I didn't truly believe I deserved abundance.
This HURT because I have done so much work on my mindset and self-development. I really didn't want this to be true. However, I know it only triggered me because part of it must be accurate.
Was I afraid of my own success? Did I jump into things and then pull myself back, because I don't want to be too successful? Do I really think I don't deserve it?
When I think about it more, my fear of success is very much tied to my fear of failure.
What if I get so big that people question me on stages? What if people prove my points wrong or limited? What if I am left quivering on stage, not knowing what to say?
And on top of that, what if I get so big that I say something that gets me cancelled, sued or investigated by the CRA? (I HATE paperwork).
Deanna, look at your spiral into all of this...
So really, my fear is falling face first on the stage of life.
This reminds me of growing up as a competitive dancer. I always had a fear of messing up while I stood in the wings, ready to go on. What side did we exit again? What was the new change we just fixed? What if I didn't hit my arch nemesis - the pirouettes (the turny things, for those who don't know). What if I let my team down?
I still have nightmares of this TO THIS DAY. I'm standing in the wings panicking that I forget my dance, and I get on stage and have to follow others, because I have no idea what I am doing.
...well...fuck...
I see a theme here.
FUUUUCCCCCCK.
I am standing in the wings of my own life and letting others be in the spotlight. I happily go in the back and follow-along, trying my best to keep up, and not embarrass myself and others. I avoid front row, because I fear I will fall flat on my face while doing the things that are challenging for me - like pirouettes.
I convince myself that I don't know what I am doing, even though I have practiced this very thing over and over again.
Are people in the front row naturally more talented? Are they just more willing to fall on their face - front and centre? Orrrr perhaps, do they simply practice more?
What is the secret?
Well, when it comes to pirouettes, the "problem" was most definitely my mindset. I would get so annoyed that my spotting was just that, SPOTTY (Spotting is how you turn with precision). I would get more and more annoyed by myself while practicing and failing in front of my teachers and other dancers. It was embarrassing. So, I would give up time and time again, and say, "I am just bad at turning." As if anyone comes out of the womb spinning on the arch of one foot perfectly. Ha!
I see it now, but I couldn't see it then... Even though I was literally staring in the mirror for countless hours every week.
Failing was the secret to success.
Willing to fail is how you succeed. Succeeding wasn't the absence of failure and fear, but the abundance of it.
So, lady in the crystal store, touché. I see your point.
Time to step into the spotlight.... even if I fall off the fucking stage. At least I am up there trying. [PS. Universe, that is not an invite to send me flailing into the orchestra pit].